and then again, what's the point anyway? [pt 1]

What do you do when you reach a point in your life, look back, and feel like it was all in vain?

Was it really in vain? I dont know probably not, it just feels that way sometimes.

I feel like I should've gone home for the summer-though I can't really come up with a real solid reason as to why.

I'm lonely-that's why. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss home. I dont really like being in this big city all that much: it's been hot and humid, my days seem to drag out forever, and I dont really seem to be accomplishing that much at all... though I'm not actually sure of what I could or would want to be accomplishing-so maybe that's an illegitimate feeling.

Have you ever invested of yourself into something only for it to fail? That's kind of how I feel right now.

I was talking to someone recently and she told me that you can't always see how God is working on you in the moment, that you can usually only see the bigger picture in hindsight. Which has been true of many times that I have felt this way in the past. It just kind of sucks to be at that place where things don't make sense or where your confused about where your life is going.

I've been feeling this way for close to a week now and I just keep telling myself that it'll pass in time. I think that's true. But I dont have the patience to wait. I dont want to wait to feel better... maybe its a choice, as are many things in this life...

As of the past couple of months there has been this idea that keeps coming up in conversations with random people about the "Will of God". It was even mentioned in a Christian book that I read recently as well. This idea that the will of God for my life has to do with the right now, with today. I can only be in control of how I choose to follow God today. Not tomorrow, not yesterday, not ten years from now. I often forget about following God with my day to day life. I am so focused on what I'm going to do AFTER college, not necessarily with how I should follow him DURING college. This has been a huge realization for me.

Anyways I am reading a lot... praying a lot... thinking a lot... working a lot (not really as much as I need to be though)...

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So I retrace my every step with an unsure pen,
trying to figure out what my head thinks,
but my head just ain't what it used to be.
And then again, what's the point anyway?