"I see the cloud, I step in
I want to see Your glory as Moses did
Flashes of light, rolls of thunder"
- Show Me Your Glory
I’ve lived too much life in the past 72 hours for me to say that I’ve been back at school for three days without feeling extremely baffled by it. Time seems to be a subjective measurement, something that’s been playing tricks on me - some kind of malevolent force that grasps me and forces me to look upon a very long road stretching farther ahead. Yet it seems that at every second I look back and feel miles ahead of the previous moment. I feel unstable. I feel like I’m at some breaking point.
There have been times today where I’ve actually felt physically that I would spontaneously combust-that my eyes would pop out of their sockets, or that I would suddenly faint or pass out, my mind simply giving up and turning off. And just as everything seems to go dark, I take my next breath and the tension subsides. I’ve been at the brink of tears since this morning. If I’m not doing something, reading for homework or organizing my syllabi, tears begin to swell at my eyelids. I have no idea what’s happening to me. I feel full - like a water balloon at the moment it’s about to burst. I feel tense, stretched.
Yet at the same time, I feel this arm wrap around me and hold me. I have this notion or faith that God is holding me together. I feel absolutely dependent on Him, in a way I’ve never experienced before. I feel that he is holding my life in His hands. I feel it. I feel Him holding my Body together, maintaining my emotional status quo, and at the same time I feel him filling me more and more. I am learning so much about myself, about Him, about other’s around me, about this world I live in, about the situations I find myself in….
If there has ever been a time when I felt that I was being changed through fire, this is it. God is stretching me out, unraveling me and straightening out my knotted flesh. I feel completely unable to see where I’m being led, but I know that hand which leads me. I can’t see anything or feel anything except this deep dense cloud of unknowing which is God. I can’t see Him but I feel him all around - Teaching me, Rebuking me, Breaking me, Reconstructing me, Healing me.
I have been given immeasurable blessings. Thank you Eli, Brandon, Andrew, Kim Wehr, Kim, Alex, Steve, Rachel… God has truly given you to me as great gifts and I praise Him because of you, because whether you know it or not, our recent interactions have had extremely significant impacts on me the last couple of days. I can’t say whether it was really you or some angel, disguised as you, sent to me, when I needed it most.
I’ve made a fool of myself publicly enough for one night, I must, though I fight it, regress to a silent and deep contemplation for the rest of the night. Pray for me. I’m entering into one of the most agonizingly intense spiritual experiences and identity formations I’ve ever encountered.
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