I hate them. I hate everything about them. I hate the fact that I need them. I hate that I'm bad at them. I hate that I'm inherently sinful and am therefore prone to making huge mistakes and hurting others. I hate having to be vulnerable with others. I hate feeling like i have to meet other's expectations of what/how/who I should be. I hate being insecure... and boy am I insecure.
But at the same time, where would I be if I were to reject the necessary relational nature of humanity?
The things that cause me the greatest agony are ironically the things for which i have been created. Yes - I was created for relationships. So were you. So was all of mankind. We were made to relational beings. It's inherent within us to desire relationship and to have satisfying relationships of all shapes and sizes.
That being said, it must also be said that we are all broken and fallen - shattered fragments of what was at one time perfect, complete, and whole. But from the breaking of the perfect relationship with God in Eden, we all experience broken relationships with each other. This brokenness is first seen when Cain brutally murders his own flesh and blood.
And now there's something to be said about relationship! A man's brother is a being with the same basic genetic foundation as himself. No one is as closely connected as people as siblings. Not even parents share that same kind of similarity or closeness. I have a younger brother and I love him to death but I can't help but feel the immensity of our fallenness when we hurt, neglect, or argue with each other - and that happens more than I'd like to admit.
Yet I feel like my relationship with my brother is one of the most solid relationships I have. What does that mean for my other relationships?
I have this friend - we'll call her Jessica - and Jessica and I were really good friends last year at about this time. I kinda crushed on her a little but was able to remain her friend through the summer and into this last fall semester. Anyways there were a couple of things that always bugged me about Jessica, one of them being that she had a very pessimistic attitude towards friendships in her life. She expected most of all her friendships to diminish or end after about a year's time. This used to really frustrate me until about a couple of weeks ago. I realized that my relationships with people were following a very similar pattern. I've come to hate myself for this - and I'd like to process that a little more but I don't see that happening tonight (it's already very late).
I guess, what I'm doing is lamenting. I'm Lamenting the fact that I suck sometimes and that it doesn't help that those around me suck sometimes too. For ALL have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God. I guess I just get frustrated with people a lot and I'm 110% sure that everyone is frustrated with me too.
A part of me - the coward in me- screams out to run away, give up, live life as a hermit - isolated from the source of my life's greatest struggle. But really though that's folly - foolish and naive thinking. Running away from the issue doesn't solve the problem - not in the least bit. So I am learning to endure, waiting patiently on God and others as they wait patiently on me.
It's just very fascinating to me - this whole thing. One of my favorite movies of last year, or at least one of the movies that had the biggest impact on me was the movie Up In the Air with George Clooney. The movie was all about relationships and how we as humans need them. I really feel that message hits me like a train every time I think about this issue. Reality is: I need God. I need People. And I most certainly need God in dealing with People.
I want to apologize to those of you who whom I hurt and frustrate. I have no excuse for my lack of love and for my selfish self-centered love, which in all truthfulness is No love at all but rather the opposite. I pray that you are able to forgive me this character flaw of mine and that we can be friends abounding in REAL love for one another, for that is my deepest desire, second only to my desire to know God.
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