Paper Man

The summer is coming to a close and as of right now nothing makes any sense. I mean it's been an alright summer, I really have nothing to complain about, but there's this part of my life that just seems "unsettled" I guess that's an appropriate word if I'm sugar coating it.

Right now I feel a little like a failure. A useless good for nothing who doesn't have the ability to overcome himself or his obstacles.

I feel caged. I think I was free once. But I don't remember how I got there anymore. I was the one who shut the door and locked it I think. I don't know when or where along the line it happened but I can't seem to figure out how to break the lock.

It's like there's this something I'm holding. Something I can't understand. It's like holding a squirming crying baby that just won't tire out. I try again and again to calm it down or to quiet it's screaming, but it won't stop. It's getting heavy and I'm getting tired.

The worst part is I'm lonely. I've forgotten how to be honest and open and vulnerable with people. I've forgotten how to love. It seems like everything around me is going just dandy but with me I feel confused and incapable.

I'm frustrated by it all, because in just a few weeks I'll be starting school again and I because it's my last year I want it to be good and successful, I want it to start out right, I want to be better than last year. But I feel like I can't now. Like I'm nowhere close to where I want to be in my life at this point. And I'm discouraged.

I don't know. I still have a week before school starts but I just want to quit. It's like I know I'm going to lose this fight, so it's not even worth trying.