[its 1:37 {which isn't really all that late compared to how late I usually stay up}]
I dont really know where this is gonna go...but I just have to get stuff off my chest...and I'm afraid...
well, quite selfishly afraid. I know myself in ways that I wish I didn't (and in the ways I wish I knew more about, I know absolutely nothing [i know more about the inner workings of a car more than i know my own thoughts sometimes {and that's saying something}]) What I mean is that I know that I am writing this, my inner thoughts with selfish motives -- Im almost sure of it. Almost anything I do is selfish. Things that I say to people are manipulative, things I do are centered around getting things for myself, and when I'm not even doing anything I'm doing something selfish. And I hate myself for it.....
Writing this blog, I am worrying about people losing interest in my life. When I wrote my first blog, I was feeling really creative...I'm not really feeling creative now so, as people read this, they are going to get bored with it and will lose respect for me. I feel so inadequate as a person to fit in this world. I'm not creative, not intellectual, not musically gifted, not really all that smart, I'm not even really good at doing the things that I feel 'gifted' in (whatever those are).
Anyways, I guess I just want to be honest.....and that is what I set out to do in this blog anyways, is to be honest with people...no matter how scary it is, no matter how much rejection I might face, [maybe rejection could be a good thing?{maybe it'll force me to be a better person through finding out that I am a horrible person}] <---[see even there, I am just begging for attention, for affirmation of some sort, for someone to just tell me that I am not a horrible person...so if you read this, don't lie to me, and try to soothe things over for me by telling me that I'm not a horrible person]
There's been a lot of emotional upheaval in my life recently. But that's not really saying much (it doesn't take much to upheave my emotions, ask around, most'll say the same). All the same, its been pretty abysmal. I broke up with my girlfriend of eleven months earlier this week. It sucks. I'm not going to lie...it really sucks. Even though I'm the one who broke it off, I still feel horrible. I think mostly because I still care (that is if I am possible of caring for anybody but myself) about her....I care that she hurts and is confused and upset. I hate to think that I am the cause of such horrible feelings.....anyways, this has been a torment to my soul....Is it possible for me in my selfish/sinful/horrible state to ever have any long standing relationship with anybody? [not excluding friendships on every level] I dont know if people really want to put up with me for very long... I wouldn't if I wasn't me....
haha "me." As if I could even start talking about being me....I dont even know what that means....earlier in the week I wrote this in my journal....
"I don't know who I am
I guess I dont really know who anybody is.
What does it mean to exist? What does it mean to have an identity---What does it mean to be someone?
I don't know how to be ME. I dont know what it means to be ME. Primarily because I don't know who ME is. I dont know by what terms to even come up with a definition for what life is----what MY life is..."
Who knows...
Ha---I just remembered a scene from Mean Girls when they are all in the gym saying sorry to each other and a girl gets up saying how she wishes they could bake a cake out of sunshine and rainbows and smiles....the gay guy in the back yells out "she doesn't even go here" the teacher, asks "do you even go to this school?" to which the girl replies, "No. I just have a lot of feelings...."
So imagine this inner dialogue----
Inner Caleb #1: Caleb, what are you talking about?
Inner Caleb #2: I dont know, 'I just have a lot of feelings'"
----
I miss home. I want to be with my Mom. I want to be somewhere safe and comfortable, where I wasn't always feeling like I am being scrutinized and examined and judged. I want to be in a place where it doesn't matter who, what, where, when, or how, but to love and be loved unconditionally....no matter what I do....I think I have wished for death more at Moody than any where or time before in my life. Not like I'm gonna kill myself death, just wishing to be with the LORD, where I can just be loved and be complete in him....I feel pretty incomplete and unloved.
A lot of people joke about me being EMO...I'm pretty sure I'm the most EMO person I know...
I have been listening a lot to Copeland lately.....They are like my blanket. Whenever I need emotional comfort, I can just cuddle up with my Copeland....
Anyways I am pretty sure that this has been long enough of a rant/pouring out/regurgitation(more like it) of emotion and feelings. Ha. I hope that my future posts aren't so heavy or so incoherent or so unorganized as this has been....Good night/morning to you all...
Caleb... I understand how you feel, man. I know you probably don't think I do, because you're feeling ignorant of your own being, but I really do. I love you, buddy. Please feel better.
ReplyDeleteCopeland is my blanket too.
ReplyDeleteCaleb, I hope one day you can love and care for someone more than yourself...I think you are possible of doing so...you just have to choose to do so...
ReplyDeleteI think what you need is a something like a "spiritual shove"...haha i don't know what to call it...Please put all your emotional/mental/physical energy on focusing on the Lord. It helps so much...Find you worth in Him, man. You are always interesting to Him. He loves you, Caleb, no matter what.
If it helps, I have always found you interesting. lol I still find you interesting. It sucks that our friendship is at this weird point, but I miss you. I miss talking to you about missions and about LOST...i miss a lot...
Cheer up, friend. God is in control. =)
And I just displayed my honest feelings to everyone on your blog....great....haha
Oh Caleb, I wish I could give you a hug right now (I know that may come off sounding really weird, but it's how I deal with a lot of things). As superficial as it sounds I want to tell you that I'm praying for you too. Life is hard. And it really sucks to get lost in the stress and emotions it causes. Keep on looking to Christ, though. You know that he can give you fulfillment. Know that no matter how your relationships or friendships with others stand, that he is there for you and has lavished you with love. I'll be praying for you, brother!
ReplyDeleteDear friend Caleb.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are feeling all of these confusing, painful things. But it's OK. It's OK to feel what you're feeling. It's OK to be confused about what's going on, about who you are or where your life is going. I feel that, I think everyone feels that!
No matter what, you are safe in Christ. You may feel broken, you may BE broken, you may be sinful, you may be selfish - but everything that you are is held, in its entirety, within Him, because He loves you. I know I don't have to preach to you, because you have great faith. And if you feel like you don't, this prayer has been a help to me lately: "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief."
You are a kind, intelligent, feeling person, and you are a good friend.
Remember that this too will pass.
I love you, and I hope this can bring you some comfort.
Dear Caleb,
ReplyDeleteI admire your honesty. And I don't say that because it's what you're supposed to say. I won't claim to know how you feel, because no one is you (whoever that guy is :D ) and therefor no one will ever go through the exact same thing you go through. But, I do want to thank you, because most of my life has been spent in what I like to call creative hell. I have been a slave to public regard, emotional affairs, and creative instinct my whole life.
It's not the same I know, but it does have some of the same symptoms. I am a writer, this is my talent, my nature and every word every action must be said for some effect. My sin is that I live like I write. I am at heart selfish and manipulative, my greatest concern seeing the plot unfold how I will it, regardless of truth. In my darker moments I've thought of life like this giant chess game where there is only one player (me) and everyone else is a chess piece.
I move them, I play them however I can, some inner clock ticking life away as I desperately try to beat myself at my own game. Who am I (who is Kim realy?) that is a question I set out to answer three years ago and when people ask all too often I revert back to my game. "Well this is what God has shown me..." Please don't get me wrong. God has shown me, and he'll show you too, tons of stuff about this person, and the personhood you could achieve, but that barely scratches the surface of the issue.
I know I am a chid of God. Did Christ swallow up my identity? No. We take Christ inside and he changes things up, but essintialy ME starts from the beginning. But what beginning? The bible says God knew me before me, so who I am was in God's heart before I even had flesh. So who is this me and where is she hiding? Maybe the question has no answer, maybe we just don't have the right view yet (like maybe when we have glorified eyes that can behold God we can finally behold ourselves as he has always seen us) Maybe Me is constantly evolving.
This is stuff I never get to talk about with my friends here at Moody. Which is sad more then anything else. But that's why I say I admire your honesty, simply because I've never had the courage to be that honest until someone else stepped up.
Be encouraged, life even not fully understood can still be lived to good purpose. Seek after Truth.