I have turned onto a new avenue. Well, to put it more precisely, I am owning up to the promptings I have been feeling for the past couple of months. There have been numerous longings and yearnings within me which I have been attempting to quiet. But when one realizes they're from God and that they signal an area of growth, it behooves oneself to pay attention.
Like a wan candle, a light whisper, or a faint breeze, or even the dawn before the sunrise, has been this truth illuminating, if only slightly, my tenebrous summer. It has been growing however into a truth I can now not only fail to ignore but it has been consuming my entire being. God's voice is screaming out to me now, though its still in the whisper that he speaks, his truth is so intense to me now. This truth burns as a roaring Fire. (why not be utterly changed into fire?) If I dare to keep turned from it, I fear I would be turning from God Himself.
I have been turned from it for a long time. Acknowledging my youthfulness, I seek now to pursue what I know is right and hopefully to acquire some Godly wisdom while I'm at it.
I described previously that I felt as though I was at a significant place in my life at this present moment, I know feel as though what I am about to enact in my life is the fruition of this feeling.
Permit me one bizarre metaphor before I move on--When one gets nauseated, you can usually tell well before hand that you are going to vomit [or at least I can]. You can try all you can to avoid it, but in the end, it usually happens anyways. This is [metaphorically speaking] how i've been feeling as of late about my life. A growing sensation that something big is about to happen some life changing event approaching. And as I said, in the beginning, that I feel silly, I mean most of all, feeling silly towards how I've been avoiding it. How I've kept my ears stopped up to all that God has been trying to tell me. But it's all inevitable. I've given over my life to Him, and if He wants something changed then He's gonna make it happen. [for results belong to the Lord, I am unable to achieve results, I am only given the responsibility to Obey]--
--Just like my Father. I was talking to my Pater this evening as we took one final walk about the neighborhood that my Great Aunt Luisa lives in. We talked about many things, most of which center around the issue I am trying to express now, but one thing to note here is the fact that My father felt the call to pastorship when he was in a Christian college in 1985, but by and by my father avoided it and wasn't ordained until 2005 [a whole twenty years of sailing to Tarshish!] I mean to say that we can run all we want to from God's plan but in the end, If we are truly trying to follow Him above all else, then we are going to go where he wants us to go. [Amen].--
I really can't even begin to explain what it has been like to have been led to this place. It's been a slow progression really, like the growth of a tree. Starting from the seed it begins to break out and grow being nurtured by the soil and the rain. One could say that it's taken a long time for this to start bearing fruit, but it seems like the impatiently watched pot that never boils. I looked aside for what seems like a second then a second glance and all of a sudden this tree is bearing fruit [of sorts].
What this all really comes down to is Discipline. There have been too many times now that I have been confronted with this issue for me to disregard it any further. This precipice, this turning point is all founded on this crucial concept. Following Christ, Being a Christian, is the life of a Disciple. Christ has called each of us to a Discipleship - a Discipular way of living. Has He not?
I have lived too long following the leading of myself and of this world. I have been called to something greater, but rarely does my lifestyle exhibit such Discipular living as is outlined in Scripture. And the thing is I've justified it for so long, I have found justification coming even from my brothers and sisters around me at Bible College. Living for Christ looks different than does the life lived that most of us 'Christians' live. We allow for ourselves to seek our idols and to pursue godlessness. Materialism, Consumerism, & Individualism has and is consuming my life and the lives of those around me.
Permit me now to return to the disgusting metaphor from before-- Yes the vomiting is an inevitable occurrence in the event of such sickness but while it is happening its rather a profound experience I've discovered. As violent and painful as it can be, once it is all over one usually feels significantly better than before. The act of purging one's life from sin is an intense and painful experience much like the act of vomiting. We are told as much from the Bible as it describes a refining fire for gold, or the cooking that a piece of pottery experiences so that it can become sturdy and firm and become useable to the potter, or to become pure so that it's worth is displayed without blemish or impurity. I feel as though that time is coming, that the purification process is beginning and that it will be far from easy to accomplish or even to persist in. But that's what discipline is about anyways, right? I am a people pleaser for sure, but in this venture, I am seeking to please God now. I fear the loss of some friendships but I hold God's glory in higher value than all the friendships in the world. It is all loss compared with the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I would lose all things, I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ and be found in Him... (Phil. 3)
I hardly have a clue as to where my life is going right now, but I know that God is working on me and is drawing me closer and closer to Himself in a way I've never before experienced. I feel unable to explain it to it's full extent. I am without words for what is happening, other than it is great and truly awesome [i am in awe].
I pray that I do not lose sight of this precious truth. I pray that I can truly seek God above all else for reals. I repent therefore of my pride, my arrogance, my self-centeredness, my lusts, my greed, my idolatry, and my complete lack of self-control. I pray here now to receive that spirit of power, to no longer exist in cowardice, but to fully embrace the life of obedience to Christ. Holy Spirit I beg you to aid me and to extend your grace when I fail. May it be so! Amen.
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