A Week and Half's Worth of Processing...

I need to write. Not because I feel like writing, but because I think it necessary. I have a love/hate relationship of sorts with writing. I feel in one moment that I need to write in order to think, but in another moment, I'm afraid. I fear having to process the hard and difficult issues that I would much rather run away from and not only that but I hate processing in front of others. Only when I overcome and come to conclusions do I really feel comfortable displaying myself. I don't know if that's right or not. Part of me resents what I just wrote. I hate being vulnerable. I hate it above anything else, but I feel bound to being vulnerable. I feel vulnerable all the time, so when I find that I have the choice to be vulnerable or not, I usually always choose to be safe and to hide things from people. I don't like seeming weak or foolish. When I've come to conclusions, I feel that then and only then can I divulge anything personal. But to a certain degree, I see that as a performance. I see that as a fabricated self that I project. Maybe fabricated isn't the right word, but all the same I like to pick and choose what others see in my life and in that sense it's fabricated. It's a processed and censored version of myself that is probably as fake as the glasses that I like to wear. Not that others can't see right through them or me, but it makes me feel more comfortable all the same. I feel that putting up that wall, even though it may be made of glass, hides me from the glaring eyes of those around me. Even though I think I have things hidden fairly well, I've come upon the idea that I may not be so good at hiding things anyway. I'm sure people can see right through the pretense, it wouldn't be that hard, I imagine.

There is a lot going on in my life, there has been a lot going on in my life. I'm not proud of myself at all, however. I've failed, epically. I'm ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed of the things that I've done. I'm ashamed of the things I've put off doing. I'm ashamed of the failure I've encountered in relationships (my doing of course). I'm ashamed because I've hurt so many people. I have hardly done anything worthy of praise or recognition (not that I seek these things but I mean to say that I can't say that anybody would be glad or approving of my idle or selfish behavior). I try to think of good things in my life, but for the most part all I can see is how unworthy I am of all the good things given to me, and I deserve none of it. I have a great family, who have been a constant support to me, as well as some really great friends who are somehow capable of putting up with all my crap, and I have a God who day by day showers upon me new mercies and covers me with his Love, Forgiveness, and Grace.

It's hard for me to be so melancholy because it's everyday that I am reminded of how mightily God has proven himself faithful and compassionate to me. I find myself being stuck in how much I fail. I think what's more productive however is focusing on God's goodness to me. I recognize the need to be honest about what's going on in my life but I also need to be honest about recognizing the God's goodness in my life. I've come to the decision that I'm okay with being vulnerable. I am okay with making myself honest with the world around me. I am okay with wanting to be known. I am okay with rejection too, not that it doesn't hurt, but I realize that I am Loved and Chosen by God and I am satisfied in that. I am pursuing what I know to be true and right, and I have faith in God's grace in helping me where I make mistakes. I am aware of God's discipline in my life. I welcome it. I crave being made more into the image of Christ, how I can be made into a more God glorifying person, because I know that I mess up. I am going to make an effort to correct the mistakes I've made by restoring broken relationships and by walking in wisdom learning from those mistakes. It is my desire to humble myself and to recognize where I fail, but also to press on towards godliness, to "fight the good fight of the faith. Taking hold of the eternal life to which I was called and about which I made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses..." (I Timothy 6:12)

I have had a lot of time to process and be introspective over the Spring Break (thank God for two weeks off) and as much as I am reluctant to get back into the full swing of things with school I feel that it is as necessary as ever to start pushing ahead with my life pursuing the path God has set before me. I came into the semester setting before myself a goal and a ideal to pursue and work at, "Selflessness." I've done a horrible job of that so far, nevertheless I can't give up on it. It is imperative that I learn to love others, and I've learned recently that "selfishness" and "love" are incompatible if not complete opposites. According to 1 Corinthians 13, Love is not self-seeking. I am pursuing learning how to legitimately love in a way that brings glory to God. Though that's harder said than done... I look forward to going back, because even though my life is complicated, I feel the opportunity to restore, redeem, heal, and mend is a hope that I hold to. I grasp onto the hope that things can get better and that God has the power to restore the brokenness I've created. I miss people too. I miss Brandon; I miss Eli; I miss Enoch; I miss Danny; I miss Bruce; I miss Dan and Bev; I miss Kim and Alex... I miss Ad Vivum; I miss my co-workers at ETS... I am excited to see how the rest of the semester goes and if it's just as full of action as the first half, I'm glad I was able to rest for Spring Break, because I'll have needed it.