I was reminded, lovingly, on monday, that whenever I have initiated something like this in the past, I usually start out on the extreme of things. Which maybe isn't the most horrible thing, but it's not the healthiest practice. When I planned on starting out on this venture, I didn't know what it would look like to interact with people. And to a certain extent, I still don't know what it looks like, or really what it should look like. It was my desire in doing this to help myself. I know that I am a very extreme person, and while that isn't always a bad thing it should be something that I can control, and maybe a better word would be "wield." Self-Control is a Spiritual Fruit for crying out loud! - and I it's the one I struggle with producing the most...
I have been in flux throughout the past three days. There'll be times when I allow myself too much freedom and I lose sight of my purpose, drive, and need. Immediately after, though, I swing back too far the other way. I have in a way closed myself from people in a way that could potentially be harmful to myself, to others, and to my relationships with others. We are meant to be a part of a Body, of a tight community that is bonded together through the Love that Christ has given to all of us, and in a lot of ways, my zeal for this initiative has kept me from holy living.
So these are all things that I'm working through...
On the other hand, however, God has been teaching me and leading me through some really great things. I've been shown more about myself and my relationships having extracted myself from them for a little bit. I've come upon the real meaning of a need. I have lived my life so long exclaiming my need for this or that, and I think as I've been slowly peeling away the things of my life that I "need" I have been discovering slowly that the one thing I truly need is the thing I am depriving myself of for the sake of these lesser gods.
I absolutely idolize relationships. These are things that I convince myself that I "need" yet I've come to the realization, that my obsession with my earthly relationships is somewhat unhealthy. I think on some level, we all "need" relationships (cf. Up in the Air w/ George Clooney). A close friend was quick to remind me that life happens with people, and I definitely. Life doesn't exist without relationship, to be sure. It was not good for man to be alone, right? But I think this is one of those times, when I've become more focused on the creation instead of the Creator. I think the issue is that I seek to replace my relationship with God with my relationships with the people around me. I am so quick to drop everything I'm doing for a friend who want's to get coffee or hang out, but it takes so much effort for me to find 30 minutes for my Bible or for the Prayer Closet. I'm finding that there is just a very big disconnect between what I know needs to be true of my life and what I experience day to day.
The truth is - I'm way insecure - and God keeps reminding me of this over and over and over. I definitely feel that this is the area of my life that God is molding. It's tough though - internal modification, is not easily accomplished. God has been leading me back to Himself in this time. In my tuning out a large amount of social noise in my life, I am opening my eyes to the idea that what I need is God. What I don't need is the affirmation from the people around me. My life is a pot hole and God is pouring into my life with a cement mixer - there really is just so much that is being poured out from Him, that I just am just overfilled. I'm learning a lot. My cup runneth over!! But it's good because God is good.
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