I guess, the thing that I can attribute this to mostly is the feeling that I'm stumbling around blindly. Nothing is clear this summer. Everything that was planned has basically fallen through and what I have hoped to have controlled in terms of goals that I've set for myself have all but proven unattainable and worthless.
I've felt more alone at home than in the impersonal city of Chicago. The community that I'd hoped to encounter has mostly turned out to be frustratingly isolating, difficult, and awkward. There are relationships that I had been hopeful in, but they too have turned out leaving me disappointed and more lonely.
or at least... that's how I felt earlier today.
I don't think I've ever not been able to stand being at church, but today was such a day. I hated every moment. I had to keep convincing myself to stay during the service.... I hated it, and I hated myself even more for it. I still don't think I have a feel for what was really going on, I walked back to my house from the church, frustrated and angry. I kept thinking to myself, "I don't belong here."
I think it's easy to feel that way when we aren't getting what we think we need. But I think in reality, I'm not really grabbing at what I know I need. I think what's hard about being here this summer, is that I know that I'm growing and being challenged and usually it's hard work. I don't know exactly what that looks like but I'm not too worried about it right now. I know God knows what He's doing. And I am learning to have faith and put my trust in Him even when it's hard and difficult.
I am trying to fight my selfishness. I am trying to fight my apathy. I am trying to fight the sins that creep up on me when I'm not looking. I am at war with my flesh. But when was I not? When have I ever been at peace with my sinful self? Or I guess I should say, when should I have not been at war with my sinfulness?
The thing is: Life is hard. And that's okay, because it isn't going to change (no matter how much we complain about it). I was talking with my friend Sarah today, and as we talked about the things that are going on in our lives, I realized that I have to be obedient to the will of God as far as it has been made known to me. There are things that I have a hard time giving up but these are things that I know I can confront. For me to continue on, is not only sinful, but just plain stupid.
There's no excuse for that....
So right now. I'm praying - for forgiveness of my sins, for mercy in my repentance, and for grace as I strive towards obedience and holiness.
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