Romance & Romanticism (or Romantic Relationships and Such....)

I am sitting in Argo waiting for my shift to start in about forty minutes... and I can't help but keep thinking about HER--She probably thinks that I hate her by now--i don't hate you....i'm sorry that all this has happened...--I have been listening to Copeland a lot lately, but that really isn't saying much, because I listen to them ALL the time. [seeing them in concert was rad.]--Getting back on track-Its almost been a month since we broke up. I still feel all wrought up inside about it. {It's hard not to, when everybody who's good friends with me with is good friends with HER too, and I’m still kind of confused about what to do from here...} And not only that but the people I hang with most are all getting hitched to their own respective romantic interests too. So let's just say that it's been a semester with HIGH overtones of Romance and Romanticism on different levels.

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In High School I had a teacher named Mrs. Baldwin-she taught my Freshman and Junior English Grammar & Lit. class. Yet, Mrs. Baldwin taught me a lot more than just where to put commas, she taught me about life and love through the medium of literature and how to appreciate it. I don't know if she knows this but, in my mind she was one of the most influential high school teachers of my life. I definitely didn't appreciate the class for what it was when I was in it. {i really wish i had spent less time doodling in the back and more time investing my time in learning as much from her as possible}. But now that I look back, her education about Literature-Life-Philosophy-and even Theology has had a far reaching impact on me. In how this relates to my life right now, I remember her talking about the time in the history of the world and the era of Literature that people call Romanticism and it being a counter to the Enlightenment. I remember being excessively interested in the Romantic views on life. She explained how the Romantics saw how the world works--the Romantics were people who wanted to be in Nature, valued youth and vitality, and trusted more in emotions than in intellect. --[I still remember reading Mary Shelley's Frankenstein for one of the book reports for that class, being an example of Gothic Romanticism--It is now one of my favorite books]--I kind of think of myself in these terms. Not only does living in the city annoy me, even more so, I feel as though it is the antithesis of my very nature. I long for the Mountains, the Forests, the Chirping of Birds, and Fresh Air [yet i'm stuck with High Rises, Dirty Unkempt Parks, the Sounds of JackHammers/Sirens, and the Stench of Sewage/Trash!]. I remember reading from the text book in class for one of our assignments about a man who lived in a small village with a nagging wife. He went out into the Forest and fell asleep there and was asleep for some forty years before waking and returning to his village [I don’t really remember all that much about the story, including its name]. But one thing I do remember is that Mrs. Baldwin mentioned the general move of the Romantic Hero away from his wife into nature to be free-away from what was bondage and enslavement to him to a place of freedom….

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I am not sure how much of this is all based in reality, but it just seems as though this is what is going on in my mind in terms of how I want to live my life/or how I see the world (including relationships) playing out. I can think of many times where in my thoughts I would cringe at the thought of ever getting married. But I can’t deny that I am a person who needs company.---this has been a critical question for me recently, “Do I need the company of a spouse? Or could I be completely satisfied in strictly platonic relationships for the whole of my life?” and the answer is a resounding “I have no clue”. Sometimes I really don’t feel like I have a need for sex, but at other times, I feel drawn to wanting the intimacy of Sex. I feel that the Former outweighs the Latter by far though….but I don’t know what to think...

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Before I left New Mexico to come back to Chicago, I went to see Jordan. He was in his house with his two roommates. After they had finished a discussion in regards to the church, Jordan sat me down with his roommate Brad, who began interrogating me about my recent break-up. In the ensuing conversation Brad said a lot of wise/insightful/humbling things. I felt like I had been living in a dream world believing what I wanted to believe regarding relationships and he came and tore me from that, put me back down in reality and utterly crushed my pride. It was intense. It was good though, so good that I made sure that he wrote me an email reiterating all the main points of discussion we had. I am still processing it all--still drinking in all that would be the implications of taking his wisdom and putting it into practice. There are points that I am ready to grab at and make a part of my life, but there are others where doing that is a lot more terrifying.

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I am in the process of evaluating my expectations-where it comes to what I would want to see in my romantic relationships, mostly. I don’t know whether or not to believe my expectations were too high or not…Obviously things can’t be like they are in the movies, but I keep hoping that I’ll find “that person who’s right for me.” I dont know if I am looking too far into these kinds of things, but it just seems like there are some people that just go together real well. (for example: my friend Bruce and his new gf Emma, and a good friend of mine Sam and his wife Lisa, Josh and Marcie, Jordan and Sarah, etc. etc. etc.). I mean, is it something you make? Is that kind of perfect fit a figment of my imagination? I don’t know what to believe about love between boys and girls anymore. I just don’t know.

I feel like I am in the dark-I’m lost;

Just waiting for someone...

Someone to flip the light switch-

Someone to grab my hand and say,

“It’s over here. Come. I’ll show you the way...”

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“i know, i’m an idiot. i’m sorry that i haven’t said a word in a week...i’m sorry, but i don’t know what to say or even how to say the things i want to say. you’re hurting, i know. me too. but i guess that doesn’t really change anything anyways…”

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I am on the train now to Joliet, to spend the weekend with Dan, Bruce, Sharky, etc. I have thoughts about these people and my relationships with each but I will save them for a different post, this one is long enough without what more I have to share….

So in getting back to my original thought [trying to find some kind of conclusion or point to bring it all back together]. This season of my life has been just full of romance and therefore romanticism. My friends are getting to share themselves with their lovers and I am stuck here trying to figure out if I even want a wife in the future… its getting to be spring time soon… life will be returning to the flora and I just can’t wait to be rid of this freezing Chicago winter. I hope that I haven’t bored you or confused you.

Pray for me, yeah?