As I sit here on my bed, I listen to my roommate Daniel strum away at his guitar. Being an electric guitar, he feels that it ought to be played with his amp. And it's not that the 'music' is super loud, but it's just loud enough, and even then, it's not like he does this all the time-but it's just loud enough to keep the room from being the restful quiet place I need before my seven hour shift tonight. And I'm sure that if I were to ask him to wait another fifteen minutes before I leave he would be kind enough to oblige. But I guess the thing is that I don't need it...but I guess that is what I want to talk about--learning to live with someone is learning how to make sacrifices and compromises.Its learning how to share life (and that's what I've been trying to learn for the past couple of weeks [I know that I already kinda discussed this in my first post {its just that it keeps coming up}]). I am still trying to figure out how to do that-and hopefully do that well [if that's possible].
This, however, I feel like, centers not so much on the aspect of relationships that concerns the emotional and psychological connection between people and the complications therein but more along the lines of sharing physical space with other people though the emotional is never far behind.
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I have had three college roommates in my life--3) Daniel-Danny is probably my best friend at Moody, though in more recent times I have become frustrated with him... though I have been learning a lot about what it means to be frustrated with him, or with anybody for that matter (i'll explain)...
Danny really isn't my official roommate. On paper, I live alone and he lives with a guy named Tim down the hall. I had a week of living by myself, before Danny started to move in bit by bit. I actually really liked living by myself. I had space - on my desk i could spread out my homework and get stuff done, I felt more like an adult for that week of my life-now, Danny lives with me. Which isn't a bad thing, but sometimes I can't help but wish for my own room, a sanctuary or retreat from the world, but the 'world' wont let me alone...which in the end is okay, I know that I need to learn how to better interact with the world, and those in my world, and I can't really do that if I isolate myself can I?
Danny and I have had an interesting relationship, and I plan to further elaborate on my relationship with him in another post. As for this post, I wish to develop my thoughts on what it means to be his roommate, not his friend, though that has a part to do with it, my being his friend is a transcendent relationship above being his roommate, though there is plenty of overlap. Living with one's friend has, as I have been told and warned about, been known to ruin said friendship. Going into this semester knowing that Dan and I were probably going to be living in the same room worried me. I was/am really afraid that at some point he is going to get fed up with me.
I can honestly say that I love Danny, like a brother. I want what's best for him and I would do anything for him. Though having a deep relationship with him has been the hardest thing for me to do. So, most of things that I become frustrated with him about, are things that have to do with school work or anything that is related to responsibility for that matter. One thing that frustrates me is that he rarely does homework. And even when he does, he complains about not knowing how to do it-which, however, really isn't my issue, as I will elaborate further on. Also, a lot of the time I also just feel isolated from him. I don't know how he feels about our relationship a lot of the times. I can almost just see things dying off after college and never seeing him again, only because I am not sure that he cares enough about our friendship. I don't know how much of this is grounded in reality, I just sometimes get really insecure in my friendships.
Though where it comes to being frustrated with Dan, Steve, and Chris, and anybody else in my life, I think perhaps, the times where my frustration is most poignant, the frustration may indeed be said to be a reflexive frustration, one that is directed at myself, yet manifests itself as a frustration with that someone. I think its almost a kind of pride issue-an issue that, if truth be told, I have with my own self-where I, though realizing full well that most things that frustrate me are of my own doing (of my own personal failures)- I blame on others. Why do I do this? I'm an illogical creature, it doesn't make sense. In the times where I have been frustrated that Dan is irresponsible, I know that I angry because I am being just as irresponsible. At the times where I blame him for not getting us to a meeting on time, I know that really its my fault for not doing what I needed to do and on the list goes. Every time that I am hurt by him, I am just seeking affirmation, and I don't need that. I need Jesus, period. I am learning what that means, and I think that one of my next posts will have a little bearing on what that means in my life, and what that could mean for the future. I told Dan that I don't think we should be roommates next semester...I'm still not sure how well founded that was, but I hope that he doesn't hold it against me. I will save some more of what I have to say about Danny for later. But as for now....
i'm sorry Danny...
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