[Room]mates (#2-Steven {part 2 of 3})

Living with another person is an interesting part of life. Whether it be family or just some bloke at your school, its a learning experience. I'll try to elaborate....

As I sit here on my bed, I listen to my roommate Daniel strum away at his guitar. Being an electric guitar, he feels that it ought to be played with his amp. And it's not that the 'music' is super loud, but it's just loud enough-loud enough to keep the room from being the restful quiet place I need before my seven hour shift tonight. But I guess the things is that I don't need it...but I guess that is what I want to talk about--learning to live with someone is learning how to make sacrifices and compromises.Its learning how to share life (and that's what I've been trying to learn for the past couple of weeks [I know that I already kinda discussed this in my first post {its just that it keeps coming up}]). I am still trying to figure out how to do that-and hopefully do that well [if that's possible].

This, however, I feel like, centers not so much on the aspect of relationships that concerns the emotional and psychological connection between people and the complications therein but more along the lines of sharing physical space with other people.

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I have had three college roommates in my life---2)Steven--Steve is such a good guy. I miss him. I worry about him nowadays. He couldn't pay for his school bill for the month of January. So he only has one semester left but I worry that he will put it off... but it's not my business, I just care about him. My time with Steve definitely had its ups and its downs, as with any relationship. I think, though, that it would be best for me to separate the year of living with Steve into the two semesters, because both were filled with their own respective issues.

My first semester with Steve was probably the better of the two. I feel that I was a better friend to him that first semester than I was the second. I, again, had huge expectations of him [not having learned the first time]. And that was probably exaggerated more so by the fact that I was so disappointed with how things had gone with Chris. I think I saw Steve as an Older Brother type figure. He is a couple years older and it was nice to have someone who had been through life a longer than I had and someone who could help me out with things sometimes. I remember being able to ask Steve questions about what he thought about a certain issue and we would stay up just talking while we lay in our beds staring at the close ceilings disregarding the fact that we both would feel a lot more tired in the morning, but it was worth it to have those conversations. I really looked up to-and still do on some level-to Steve. Even though I would get angry sometimes at his joking and immaturity sometimes, I really felt as though Steve really was wise about a lot of things. I knew that if I ever had a problem figuring stuff out about life, I could ask Steve, and he would give me a straight answer that I could trust in. Though the serious conversations were few, I valued them and I still treasure them, and as I look back I think back fondly on that first semester. Yet as with my first semester and only semester with Chris, I was completely immature about my relationship with Steve, I desired to be close to him, for him to want to be my friend, for him to show me attention. And I think I was selfish and naive to expect all those things of Steve.

My Second Semester with Steve took a different route. Or at least it did in my mind. This is getting into the territory of more recent developments [by recent i mean it was just last semester] though, and so I feel as though these are things that I am still processing and as people say that "things are easier to see in hindsight" I feel still too close to these events to give as honest a description as those I have given up to now. Nevertheless, I shall press forward.

I feel as though my second semester with Steve was a failure, in terms of how good of a friend I was to him. I found myself getting more irritable with him, I was more prone to be frustrated with Steve and I felt as though our conversations dropped off the face of the planet for those months. I closed up and raised walls. I backed off. For several reasons I think. Even though that first semester was a better one, there were still times where I was hurt that Steve didn't meet my high expectations. And so after the length of the Summer, and coming back with limited communication, I felt completely unloved and isolated not just from Steve but from everybody at Moody. The first semester of this School year sucked. I'm gonna be honest I sucked [at life, at school, at friendship, at being a boyfriend, etc.] and as a result, my school work suffered, and so did my emotional stability. I feel as though my person was challenged so much more this past Fall than ever before. But that's really not what this post is supposed to be about.....sorry

I backed off from Steve and looked for that 'friend' in another person. I started to build up my friendship more and more with Fat Dan (Daniel [the one from the beginning of this post {oh, we're getting to him, you just wait}]). I wasn't getting what I wanted from Steve anymore, so I moved on. It's a horrible story, and I am horrible person for doing this all. As I said, I don't really feel like I can see the big picture just yet, these being things that I am still trying to figure out. I haven't really moved on far enough yet....But I still feel remorseful about it and I'm still learning from it all, I guess...

i'm sorry Steve...